10 Things you shouldn’t say to a NICU parent
Encountering a hard situation that someone else is going through always leads to that awkward time when you don’t really know what the “right” things to say are. Truth is, even if you’ve gone through a similar journey, your journey is completely different than someone else’s. Of course, we all have the best of intentions when we’re providing advice or giving our version of comfort to someone going through a traumatic experience, but sometimes, even the best of intentions can come off wrong.
As a NICU mom, I’ve shared my journey on social media from the beginning. I believe that in sharing our journey, it can help other parents navigate some of the trials and tribulations that come with this experience. I, by no means, am an expert in their situation, but I am beginning to become an expert in MY situation. This in turn gives me some valid pointers that some people can apply to their own journey.
In this experience, I have always known that there will be people, most of which whom I don’t even know, but even some that are family or friends, who have something to say that rubs me the wrong way. This sparked the idea for this blog. It’s not just for other parents who are in similar journeys as we are and learning how to navigate those comments but it’s also for those who are close to those people.
The idea is to approach everything with grace of course, but in this journey, there are so many emotions and it’s not always easy to hold back a knee-jerk reaction. These are some of the things I have been asked or told. I have also come up with some alternative ways to say those things if you’re trying to support a parent in the NICU.
At least you get a break when you leave the hospital. I promise you that any time spent away from the NICU is not restful. If you’re like me you have kids at home that miss you and a spouse as well. And then there’s the fact that you may or may not be pumping which keeps you up at all hours. While you’re constantly worrying about your baby’s - mentally and emotionally there is no break.
If you have to say anything, give them some support. Help with their other kids, send them a gift card, or just give them a hug.
You got to escape the most uncomfortable stages of pregnancy. While this may be true, what that means is we face a ton of guilt for this. Did we do something wrong? Should we have stopped working? Or maybe I didn’t work out enough? But the fact is, in most cases, it’s nothing we could control. And do you know what we wouldn’t give to have been able to cook our babies just a little longer so they wouldn’t have to fight so hard?
A better way to go about this is to just provide some positive support because more than likely that mama is feeling some major jealousy vibes when she sees a full term pregnant woman. She’s feeling bad about herself or that she’s not good enough. But the truth is, those babies are fighters and they were made for a strong mama who could handle it.
You’re going to be dealing with health problems for a long time with them. This one gets me frustrated. How do you know? Can you predict the future? And also, even if we do have to worry about health problems, maybe don’t be a negative Nelly and try to bring us down. Do you not think we have not thought about that?
Instead, just let them know that you’re there for them, whatever they may need… Now and later on down the road.
You’re not going to be able to breastfeed/nurse. I had someone ask me if c-sections meant you couldn’t breastfeed because a hater on the internet told them that. The thing about nursing is that every single woman is different. Some make a lot of milk. Some struggle with it. Making a mother feel any sort of way about how she feeds her baby is nobodies business. And can I reiterate this: can you predict the future? Do you have an inside informant on how my body works?
Instead, let them know that you support them. No matter if they’re breastfeeding or not. A fed baby is a happy baby.They’re getting bigger, they actually look like a real baby now. As opposed to what? What did they look like before when they were first born? Aliens? A puppy? I’m confused.
How about: I’m so happy for them!Do they know why they came so early? Once again, this highlights the fact that there is either something wrong with them, or something wrong with mom.
Nothing can change the fact that they did come early, so instead of making mom feel bad about it, we just don’t need to ask. If they share it with you on their own, that’s one thing.When can I come and visit them in the hospital or when they get home? First off, hospitals still have a lot of restrictions when it comes to visitors, especially NICU visitors. Not to mention, when the baby comes home; mom and dad may want to spend their time getting their bearings and introducing their baby or babies to their other kiddos. This is an anxious time for parents of NICU babies because they’ve been connected to machines their whole life so far, and now that they’re not, there will be a lot of fears and worries. Maybe they aren’t ready for visitors - and if that’s the case the only way it should be met is with respect. Another thing to mention, is they may have a strict set of rules for when you do meet their infant. If that’s the case, please respect those as well. Otherwise they may put their foot down about you visiting. With new babies and especially NICU babies, if you’re sick, always stay away.
My kids were born premature and now they’re healthy adults. While this is so great for you, there may be some underlying fears or health concerns with their baby. What happens for you doesn’t mean it will happen for someone else. This is always meant to be said in a positive light any time I have heard it. When I hear it thought, it always just leaves a little pit in my stomach.
I would suggest saying something more along the lines of, “I’ve been where you are, and while our situations may be different, I am here for you if you ever need to talk”.They’re so tiny! Well yes. They came early. Highlighting their size just reminds their parents how far they have to go..
this is when I suggest bringing up how strong they are, how much they’ve grown, etc. Focus on their accomplishments.When will they come home? Eek. The billion dollar question on every single NICU parents mind. Most of the time the NICU is seen as a rollercoaster. Some days there is great progress and then they move two steps backwards. The truth is you’ll know when they get to go home when the parents share it with you, and that is that. Most parents are told a general time frame but remember, things can change. The last thing the hospital wants to do is get a parent’s hopes up and then dash them away. My hospital told me that my twins would come around their due dates but every baby is different and it all depends on them.
Ease the parents worries by letting them come to you on things like this.
A few more things…
A good rule of thumb for talking with NICU moms and dads is to remind them that they are doing great and that it’s okay to ask for help. Let them know what you can do for them if they need it. Be positive and think about what you’re saying before you say it. I always say, if I put myself in their shoes, would this statement cause harm or would it make them feel better? Another question to ask yourself before you speak is, did they ask for my advise? If not, I would simply say, “let me know if you want any pointers on x,y,z. This allows them to come to you and not feel bombarded.
Are you a NICU parent? Have you heard certain things that made you upset? What would you recommend to readers about how to approach this difficult situation?
And for those of you looking to better support a friend or family member dealing with this, did any of these surprise you?
I’d love to hear back from you! And please if you’d like to catch more blogs from us, go ahead and subscribe!
xo, Heather
